Ravishment

Ravishment / rape-play/ consensual non-consent. It's not everyone's kink.

I don't mean for this post to trigger anything with anyone who has had the misfortune of experiencing sexual assault. As a woman who loves this type of play I'm going to discuss it a bit.

Do I want actual rape? Good lord no! But it's a fantasy, a sick fantasy that plays into my 'fighting submissive' tendencies. It's safe to play out the fantasy with someone I trust and love as much as Sir.

Safety is a huge part of this. I feel safe with Sir. I know I can stop everything in a second by safe-wording; I'll get cuddled and we'll talk through my feelings or I'll get space as I need it. I know Sir isn't about to hurt me, there isn't any anger focused at me, we're playing roles.

What do I find attractive about ravishment? I like the amount of physical force used, the particular brand of dirty talk that comes with it, the moments I feel so desperately weak are very cathartic for me. The fantasy also taps into an interesting ego trip - I'm that attractive and desirable that Sir has to demand my attention right at that moment. No matter how I 'feel' or how much I 'protest' and 'fight' that he is willing to overpower me and have me.

Is he actually raping me? Far from it, it's just fun to act every now and again. 'Submissive' is a real part of my personality, 'rape victim' is a role (acting!) I choose to take on every now and again for our mutual enjoyment. I know the idea of taking on 'rape victim' as a role for enjoyment seems pretty disturbing. An interesting comparison would be dressing up as a serial killer for Halloween and hitting your friends with the fake plastic knife you got with your costume. Does the costume, dark jokes, and moments of pretend make you a legendary fictional serial killer? Hardly. It's fun to play a disturbing role sometimes, even if you find the real-life act to be completely detestable.

Ravishment is where sexual objectification, violence, humiliation and degradation all come to a peak for me and I enjoy it. There is also a relief for me if I eventually start to 'give in' to his attentions. (Do you have any idea how hard it is not to enthusiastically thrust back while having sex in a scene like this?!) If I do 'give in' and 'begin' to enjoy it, it feels like this amazing rush of pure animalistic lust because I've just fully given in the sensation regardless of context. It's like plunging into cold water it's such a rush.

Sir is always very tender with me afterward, making sure I'm ok, that I liked it. A lot of cuddling and generally being cute ensures.

The Dom/me is doing the scene for mutual enjoyment by playing the selfish bastard role. I'm impressed by Dom/mes who engage in ravishment. I can't imagine the courage that must take not be paralyzed by concern not to harm, to somehow make it work.

After the first time Sir and I played with this fantasy I felt so loved and safe that he was willing to do this with me. He trusted me enough to know my own boundaries (and that I'd enforce them) just as much as I trusted him not to really hurt me. It was a great experience.

A lot of people take issue with ravishment, even within the bdsm community. It's dangerous? A bit, but a lot of activities we take part in are dangerous. Bondage/beatings gone wrong anyone? You're just that much more careful about making it work and that everyone is safe and enjoys themselves.

Poor you...

Rawr.

I had an interesting discussion today about women in the Middle East. It ended up with "They shouldn't submit to their Husbands, they need to be calling the shots... and if they don't want that they're brainwashed."
You can see what about this ruffled my feathers beyond a lack of understanding and tolerance of other cultures and other ways of doing things. It's this assumption that people need to all be leaders, in charge. I understand and support choice to follow that but... everyone needs to be this way?

I wonder what people would say if I came out. If I openly confessed to how I'm comfortable showing my adoration? What would they all say if I confessed that as an adult I have an enforced bedtime on weekdays? How would they react if they knew how much I fantasized about focusing a lot of my energy on things for his comfort and pleasure?

Would I be considered sick, helpless, brainwashed?

For the life of me I can't understand why aggression and dominance is a 'must have' skill. What about the ease of a submissive, a supportive person? (Not saying that aggression and dominance are married. Just stating I find the expectation equally frustrating.). I've always felt better in the 'support'/secondary role. Leading stresses me out to be honest. I excel under good leadership. I'm an introvert and very introspective, leadership and aggression are not things I enjoy. For every leader and dominant personality you need the complimentary part. If everyone is a leader problems arise - the phrase "too many chefs in the kitchen" comes to mind.

I've found myself in my vulnerability, my submission, my 'support' role. I'm happier now that I'm not feeling the pressure to be unnaturally aggressive. I prefer soft and yielding and always have. Due to the valued characteristics in our society (and those out there ready to take advantage) I've puffed myself up to be 'lil miss aggressive bitch'. Slowly (it's a process let me tell you) letting go of that lets me feel free and Earthy. I feel peaceful, I know who I am.

I'm the girl who likes cooking and crafts. I'm the girl who loves Asian romance movies and all things vintage and 1950s-pin-up. I watch an obscene amount of horror movies, pretend to be brave, then snuggle in close at night when I get scared. I watch cartoons and find them just as amusing as I did when I was 10. I love dresses and the 'classic' look. I'm a book worm and news junkie.

I'm the girl that wants to make sure my significant other is as comfortable as can be. I want to provide him with intelligent conversation; I want to stimulate him. I want him to ravish me without a seconds notice; I want to inspire that animalisitc lust. I want him to discipline me when I need it. I want to not fear being weak and vulnerable to him. I want a man I can look up to and rely upon for honest communication. I want him to laugh with me and cuddle and talk total nonsense. I want to be the warm, soft, and amusing character he can relax with. This is how I show my love - obedience, emotion, my drive to please.

Brainwashed? No. In tune to myself is more like it.
Helpless? Only to the respectable man I've promised to obey.
Sick? My temperature is just fine thank you.

Done rambling, I have chocolate flavored coffee to attend to and a copy of 'The Graduate' I've oddly never seen.

Undercover Masochism

I'm a masochist. Pain? Yes please!

I love the endorphin high; pain forces me to be in the moment, and it's enjoyable for that reason.

Interestingly enough I've always loved a certain amount of discomfort, not always the face-slapping kind mind you. I love spicy food, the hotter the better. The more it makes me sweat the more in love I am. (Knowing this Sir is going to eventually hide the cayenne pepper from me when I cook.) It's that discomfort that makes me enjoy it so.
Of course it doesn't stop there - bitter, sour, and an obscene amount of salt. I have no issue sipping straight apple cider vinegar. I've always downed pickle juice like it was no one's business, and I love the salt brine from green olives. Yum! I've just given away all of my favorite snack foods.

On the flip side I've never cared much for sweet things. I don't much care for cake, ice cream (sorbet is another story), candy (except ultra and dark bitter chocolate), and other sugary things. If I do get a sweet treat I desire the 'sweet' to be very subtle.

I wonder if my odd collection of tastes is really some undercover masochism.

Benevolent Dictatorship?

There is a simple reason I use the phrase 'benevolent dictatorship' to describe my relationship - it's the most accurate and it paints an amusing picture.

What is a benevolent dictatorship?
In simple terms, it's a form of non-democratic government with power and rule in the hands of one person. The key word here is benevolent. Said leader uses their power to improve the lives of those that they rule. While it is not democratic, the leader may choose to seek feedback from their people via referendum.

Take this idea down to a relationship level and this is what I'm enjoying.

For the good of the people he rules:
Sir is 'the boss', the man in charge. At the same time he is what I consider a mentoring figure, parental in nature, and maybe a 'service master'. Sure I clean and cook for him, sex on demand, and try my best not to be argumentative (although that's never perfect), but I get something very important out of this. - the chance to observe. I respect him greatly and he's a role model - calm and collected, intelligent and cultured, down to earth and a dark sense of humor. I am fulfilled by serving but I'm also learning new and positive behaviors.

He works with me on my, admittedly, overly emotional behavior. He strongly encourages my pursuit of education. He's teaching me to achieve a sort of balance and I've already noticed improvement. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he also instructs me on how to please him sexually (he's not entirely selfless you know). He's improving me in ways we don't normally consider in D/s relationships. It's that lovey, mushy side of D/s. Whips and chains are alright in my book but I love this other dimension as well.

It's also important to note that he allows me to serve. Sir is a very independent man, accepting that I want to fetch him things hasn't been the easiest thing in the world. That fact that he recognizes this need of mine and has made efforts to accept it has certainly made me feel quite blessed.

Referendums?
I have a voice and Sir recognizes my opinions and concerns. Sir has never taken away my right to hold an opinion he doesn't agree with; he encourages civil discussion. If he's looking to try something new he generally lets me know and asks for my thoughts. What he does with my suggestions and concerns is up to him. I have a great deal of trust in him so I'm not very concerned about being pushed off a cliff anytime soon. Plus, he's more cautious than I am.


Oh, and one more thing. I think Sir gets a small kick out of being called a dictator... especially when we're teasing and harassing each other.

Lustful Submission

I am very lustful.

I have an incredibly high sex drive. Sir has a healthy sex drive, but it's not near as high as mine. Unfortunately, like most men would, I think he stresses about this. I wish he wouldn't.

Sure, I have a higher sex drive. So what!? I'm not going to be unfaithful or leave because of that. The sex we have is pretty satisfying. If I don't orgasm during intercourse he has no qualms about using an object to penetrate me until I climax too. He's really good about sharing the pleasure, even if under the sadistic guise that he doesn't care. I love it when he does that.

We found a funny way around my asking for sex all the time and him feeling down about not always being ready and my feelings of rejection. It's simple. I don't ask, I don't blatantly initiate, I don't get aggressive and molest him or anything. Without the pressure his sex drive is higher anyways. (All sorts of yay for me!) Plus sexual aggression coming from me doesn't really make me happy and I suspect it's a turn off for him - our sexual roles are so clearly defined, understood, and explored.

That's not to say I can't bend over in such a way, touch him in a loving and sensual manner, kneel next to him or become especially submissive in posture and speech. I can hint, I have to use any charms at my disposal to entice him and it's exciting. I'm no longer the aggressor, and that thrills me. I'm playing a fun game of seducing him, ultimately letting him choose if he's interested or not. It's a fun sort of dance and it's wonderful. It forces me to be creative and fun.

Best part of it all is that if he's not interested I still get a sexual thrill from it all. We've cuddled, rubbed, and snuggled; I've had my fun being silly and sexy. It's not any "not right now hun", he doesn't have to say a word, he just never takes me or touches me in an overtly sexual manner, he never initiates the sex. I never feel rejected playing this way, prior to this I would sometimes feel less desired. I either get sex or I laugh and be intimate with Sir which is great too.

I'm so surprised this worked. When Sir first brought up the idea I was so unsure. I figured I'd be laying about, dying of sexual need in silence. Far from it! Sir said I couldn't bluntly ask for it. He never said a word about playing, teasing, hinting to it. I have to work for it and it's rewarding for the both of us. Sex doesn't become as hum-drum as it might otherwise.

A Less Dramatic Collar

I was officially collared on March 9th, 2008.

Sir and I talked about collaring on and off for six months. What did it mean to us and all that good stuff.

Unfortunately a lot of time was spent trying to find a durable, low-key, 24/7 collar. We found it by going to Vad Farkas of RingofSteel.net. I have an aluminum, magnetic closing collar by the way and couldn't be any happier with the results. Ok! Enough pimping!
Anyways. He ordered the collar, and on a weekend he was back in the States he collared me.

It was a quick affair. I was in a pretty dress, getting ready to go out for a nice dinner that night. Sir had to shower so he told me to kneel down on the floor and wait until he was done. I knelt down, waited, amusing myself with my stockings. I wish I could say it was more romantic or intense but what's a girl to do by herself, kneeling, waiting for her man to come back to her?

When he came back out he told me to sit up straight while he placed my collar on. He knelt in front of me and pressed his forehead to mine. He mumbled sweet things about being a good girl and reminded me that I was to only serve him. Afterward he got up, finished getting ready to go out, and I pranced off for dinner.

It was quick, pretty low key, but still very special. It took me a few days after the collaring to find what I needed to get out of my collar. Amusingly enough Sir gave me the answer a few weeks prior to the collaring, of course it didn't sink in though - aye me.

It's about commitment to him, not a certain level of submission.

I didn't promise to be his slave; I didn't promise to keep up a specific level of submission; I didn't give up this or that right. I am his submissive, no collaring would change that or make it permanent because I already promised that to him. It's the way I'm built, it's the way we function as a couple, it's what makes me happy. There is no uncertainty there, it's just a fact, a part of us.

So what was the collaring about if not submission? My promise and my dedication to Sir and our relationship. My promise to try my hardest to be the best I can for him regardless of the D/s intensity level at the moment - because that will change and evolve over time.

So my collaring didn't come with any specific regulations, any major changes, any tasks to prove myself. The metal ring around my neck is a symbol of my commitment to Sir and our relationship.

Who? What? Where? Huh? -- Introduction

Who am I?
I go by 'Mal' for anonymity's sake. I'm a twenty-year-old woman who has been exploring my submissive tendencies and sexuality for a year with a man I call Sir (more about him later).

I'm: a masochist; a sensation whore; a wanton slut for Sir; an exhibitionist; a monogamist; a happy housemaid and cook for Sir when I get the chance. I am a 'whole person' on my own, but my relationship with Sir enhances me and helps me to direct my energy in positive ways for our mutual happiness.

I'm also: smart; strong; a student who will never stop learning; aware of the world around me; a news junkie; a lover of all things Hello Kitty, cult-horror, and manga; an egalitarian feminist even though I take on traditional gender roles in my own life. I can act with grace and maturity, but when the time is right I can be as excitable as a little girl.

I am many different things and I certainly love myself for all of them. My desire to serve and make Sir's comfort and pleasure a priority in my life does not erase these different aspect of my personality.

Who is Sir?
Sir is a romantic, well educated, professional a few years my senior. He's also a nerd and news junkie. No one would suspect that this mild mannered man has a cooing and moaning woman tied up in his spare time.

He's very loving, very understanding, and posses more patience than I ever will. Although it's best not to be deceived by this, he has no problem reinforcing my place and punishing me when need be. He is most certainly a sadist, albeit a very sweet one until we're in bed or I've been disobedient.

How does this relationship work?
Sir and I met through Alt.com in February of 2007. We were looking for kinky play partners to explore our sexualities with. Both of us were out of relationships that were painfully vanilla and unsatisfying, so with nothing else to lose, why not try the internet? We talked for three weeks via email and IM, went on our first date and talked for 4 hours. After that we saw each other every weekend, meeting in hotels (but never having sex oddly enough).

Soon it moved to staying at his place all weekend, having sex after dating for a month and a half, and becoming a couple. While things have always been 'intense' and passionate we've moved slowly and carefully. We had rough/kinky sex and slowly moved into D/s outside the bedroom.

Sir is in charge... always. We function as dominant/submissive 24/7, although most of the time it's very subtle. This makes both of us very happy and I never feel 'oppressed' or what have you. We also practice domestic discipline (DD) as a way of dealing with unwanted behavior on my end. We practice behavior modification to enhance my personality and make our relationship more harmonious.

What is this blog for?
This is a place for me to post essays on D/s, BDSM, domestic discipline as I know it, and hopefully give a more day-to-day feel. This isn't going to be a very personal journal as I already have one devoted to kinky thing over at Livejournal.

I hope you enjoy reading!