Rawr.
I had an interesting discussion today about women in the Middle East. It ended up with "They shouldn't submit to their Husbands, they need to be calling the shots... and if they don't want that they're brainwashed."
You can see what about this ruffled my feathers beyond a lack of understanding and tolerance of other cultures and other ways of doing things. It's this assumption that people need to all be leaders, in charge. I understand and support choice to follow that but... everyone needs to be this way?
I wonder what people would say if I came out. If I openly confessed to how I'm comfortable showing my adoration? What would they all say if I confessed that as an adult I have an enforced bedtime on weekdays? How would they react if they knew how much I fantasized about focusing a lot of my energy on things for his comfort and pleasure?
Would I be considered sick, helpless, brainwashed?
For the life of me I can't understand why aggression and dominance is a 'must have' skill. What about the ease of a submissive, a supportive person? (Not saying that aggression and dominance are married. Just stating I find the expectation equally frustrating.). I've always felt better in the 'support'/secondary role. Leading stresses me out to be honest. I excel under good leadership. I'm an introvert and very introspective, leadership and aggression are not things I enjoy. For every leader and dominant personality you need the complimentary part. If everyone is a leader problems arise - the phrase "too many chefs in the kitchen" comes to mind.
I've found myself in my vulnerability, my submission, my 'support' role. I'm happier now that I'm not feeling the pressure to be unnaturally aggressive. I prefer soft and yielding and always have. Due to the valued characteristics in our society (and those out there ready to take advantage) I've puffed myself up to be 'lil miss aggressive bitch'. Slowly (it's a process let me tell you) letting go of that lets me feel free and Earthy. I feel peaceful, I know who I am.
I'm the girl who likes cooking and crafts. I'm the girl who loves Asian romance movies and all things vintage and 1950s-pin-up. I watch an obscene amount of horror movies, pretend to be brave, then snuggle in close at night when I get scared. I watch cartoons and find them just as amusing as I did when I was 10. I love dresses and the 'classic' look. I'm a book worm and news junkie.
I'm the girl that wants to make sure my significant other is as comfortable as can be. I want to provide him with intelligent conversation; I want to stimulate him. I want him to ravish me without a seconds notice; I want to inspire that animalisitc lust. I want him to discipline me when I need it. I want to not fear being weak and vulnerable to him. I want a man I can look up to and rely upon for honest communication. I want him to laugh with me and cuddle and talk total nonsense. I want to be the warm, soft, and amusing character he can relax with. This is how I show my love - obedience, emotion, my drive to please.
Brainwashed? No. In tune to myself is more like it.
Helpless? Only to the respectable man I've promised to obey.
Sick? My temperature is just fine thank you.
Done rambling, I have chocolate flavored coffee to attend to and a copy of 'The Graduate' I've oddly never seen.
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6 comments:
I'm delighted to have just stumbled upon your blog, and have read it from start to finish in one sitting...so your fault when I'm late for work ;)
You write beautifully with such depth of understanding. Thank you. I am looking forward to reading more.
I think that women who live in cultures where they are FORCED to submit get a raw deal (not to mention, Clitoridectomies are practiced some places still). http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clitorectomy#Clitoridectomy
I think submission counts much more when you have the option to have control, yet lovingly give it up to another.
This is the risk I took is bringing up 'the Middle East' as many Westerners have a pretty knee-jerk reaction to it.
So... why did I bring it up?
Because what bothered me so much was there was an absence of choice in my conversation partner's alternative. There was only the assertion that people "have to be this or that". No choice, no middle ground. I find that frustrating on both ends of the spectrum.
There is the stereotypical 'crazy Middle Eastern wacko' picture when it's far more the exception than the rule. One could make the case for our 'crazy wacko American culture' were women and children are more likely to be abused. I've read some horrible things about the ghettos of our large cities. It doesn't mean the entirety of our culture and identity is wrapped up in oppression and violence either. Exceptions, NOT the rule. There are fanatics is every religion and every society, they shouldn't be judged on that alone.
(Interesting history note - Islam provided for more women's rights than Christianity did for a long, long time. Since about 650AC Muslim women weren't considered chattel for example. Not saying it's peachy-keen now but it is something to think about it relation to our own culture.)
Having actually been there, having studied it. There is a lot more to picture than the horror stories.
I didn't mean to seem to denigrate your post, it brings up some great issues. I TOTALLY agree with the "Oh boy, why does everyone think everyone has to be 'liberated'?". And I've never been to the Middle East. And I totally love your writing.
I was only pointing out that there is a culture in some countries of that the woman is expected to submit. It's the law some places. And when not the law, at least the societal pressure. And I do understand there is a conflict between traditional values and current emerging values.
If you wanna just take it to America, my slave, Dollie, wrote something related that I really love, and states my point better:
"As for being Daddy’s play doll, being Daddy’s dirty little cum toilet, I am proud to say I am that and more. So many women are embarrassed by their sexuality, even in today’s more accepting, hedonistic world. Today’s society is open about our sexuality in ways that would make our grandmothers faint, but the double standard still exists. When Daddy calls me a whore, a slut, a groveling wench fit for nothing but serving him sexually, I am free to be that wanton woman, driven by nothing but my need for the Man who owns me.
And it's my choice. This is something our grandmothers never had. Choice. To me, making the conscious decision to live for my man is the ultimate in freedom, the ultimate in feminist thought in action."
Oh it didn't denigrate it at all. Lively conversation is good anytime - and it's a very complex and interesting topic.
I agree in that I find intense societal pressure for a woman to submit disturbing. Where it's written in the law (which in Islamic countries is normally an extreme and misogynistic interpretation of the Qur'an and Sunna) I find equally disturbing. Acknowledging this I find the gut reaction most Westerners have to Muslim women quite bemusing. I think we have a slightly skewed sense of what goes on the non-Western world.
By the way that bit that Dollie wrote is quite remarkable and a certainly agree.
Yup.
I love god, but could do without religion.
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